I don't know how...

3:46 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I don't know how to be grateful and not anxious at the same time.
I don't know how to love God and love myself at the same time.
I don't know how to serve God and worship Him at the same time.
I don't know how to live my life with joy and not sorry that it will all be taken away from me because I don't deserve it.
I don't know how.

Contemplating a change...

10:36 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
I'm contemplating a change at the moment (make sure you click on 'Contemplating a Change' to really understand the inspiration for this post).
I've got a lot going on at the moment, and maybe that's not the best time to be making big changes. Maybe I shouldn't be deciding whether or not I should cut certain people out of my life, or spend more time with others. Maybe I shouldn't be deciding whether or not I should give up drinking, or change my hair, or my job, or where I live, or just what I plan to do in the future.
But I think that changing my blog layout is fairly safe.
And I like it.

To whom I don't care if it concerns all that much right now...

4:17 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
How is it, that with just one tiny thing, you can make me angry and question everything, every single part of my life. You, of course, have no idea that you've done anything, when you did it or what it was. To you, it was just everything as normal. But to me, it's the beginning of the downward spiral into the pit.

To be fair, I was teetering on the brink before it happened. It's been touch and go for the past few weeks, mainly because things have been so crazy for me that I've barely been able to think straight. So, it's not just this. There's clearly more to it than that. Not that you would know anything about it...

But the fact that it hurts this much - one tiny thing - and I'm ready to call it all off. That's it - I'm calling it - I said to myself this morning. Logically I know that it's not rational. But screw rational. I am so sick and fucking tired of being rational. Of always doing the right thing and not being emotional and making sure that the whole world will be on my side.

I used to live my life in the moment. When I was happy I was happy. When I was sad I was sad. And when I was angry at someone they bloody knew it. It was exhausting but it was real. Now I'm happy when I'm happy and bland when I'm not, because you can't be sad - oh no - don't let anyone know how you really feel, because they don't know how to handle it and it's not fair because you've had so much more life experience than them and they love you but they just don't know what to do.

Why the hell are we still friends? Why is it that when things are going tough, you are still one of the first people I turn to to be there for me, even though you continually let me down. You're never there, and when you are it's with this awkward 'I don't know what to do so I'll do nothing' thing.

I'm sick of it. So you don't know how to handle it - deal with it. I've been fucking dealing with it for the past ten years, you can bloody cope with ten minutes of crying. Or being angry. Or upset. Or even just plain not bouncing off the walls with joy happy.

And I've been there for you - more times than I care to recall, to be honest. Not just when it was convenient for me - I'm talking "drop everything and be there as soon as I possibly can including possibly breaking the law getting there" kind of thing. A "call me any time, even if it's in the middle of the night thing". And still you push me away - you push me away when I want to be there for you, and you push me away when I want you to be there for me.

But I still can't just stop and say "enough is enough". I can't bring myself to blow the whistle, end game. Something about you, about this friendship, keeps me holding on. Maybe I'm just being naiive and idealistic. Maybe I'm just dreaming. Maybe I have this stupid sense of hope that one day it just won't be shit.

Why? Why? Why does what you think and how you act and what you say matter so much to me? Why do I care? Why do you make me so angry?

I think a part of it is the fact that you never apologised to me for what happened. I accepted my part in what happened, and lay it all out on the line, apologising and wearing my heart on my sleeve. I thought I had forgiven you, but I've realised that it is very difficult to give forgiveness to someone who hasn't asked for it. And you never did. And that's what hurts. Not what happened, not the words that were said. But the fact that you didn't care enough to fucking say sorry.

And so I think in our friendship, I function at a higher temperature of hurt than I do with other people. On the surface, it just looks normal, like when water has heated enough to be warm, but not enough to produce bubbles. And when you do something, even something little, to upset me, it raises my temperature higher, and I reach boiling point much faster than I would with others.

Which, of course, is not your fault. Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice. It's my fault that I haven't cut you out earlier than this. If I didn't stop then, when it happened, and then I told you that I forgave you, then it's not your fault that I feel this way.

But it still sucks.

I wish I was a better person. I wish that I could love and accept everyone just the way they are. I wish that I could just accept that sometimes people do things that hurt us, not because they want to, but because it's who they are, and that because it's not their intention, we shouldn't be upset by it.

But I'm not like that. If you cut me, I bleed. And if I tell you that what you do cuts me, then I expect you to bloody try and not do it again.

Oh geez, would you grow up and get a clue? It's so juvenile, so petty. So not even an issue that I don't understand why it has upset me so much. But seriously - it's not an issue. Hasn't been for about, say, nine months now. The last six definitely. But clearly you still have some issues there, and that's not my problem. So stop making it my problem. Okay?

I can't believe that I'm so angry about this. It's nothing, nothing at all.

Just forget I've ever said anything. After all, I'm just "being Erin".

Erin.

Stay...

2:42 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
She lifted up her arms as he put his around her, holding her long and tight.

"It's so good to see you," he said, kissing her. "You look beautiful."

"It's so good to see you too," she said quietly.

They laughed. Boy did they laugh. All at them together of old memories and fun times, and at new jokes effortless between old friends. And the two of them together at shared thoughts and words, looks and glances. He had his arm around her more than once, and surprisingly, it didn't feel strange. Just comfortable.

They played games, and he tried to make all the jokes that he used to, trying to get a reaction. Somehow, because of jetlag, or something else, it didn't quite work. She looked at him looking at her across the room and smiled, because it was just like old times, but also very different.

It was late. Time to go.

"Stay," she whispered, as he put his arms around her again.

He didn't hear her, but said "I wish I could stay for longer."

"I wish you could stay forever."

They smiled.

"Stay stay stay stay stay," said her heart, as she waved goodbye.

Bittersweet smile and tear filled eyes.

"Stay," she wants to say.

She will follow him.

Getting used to it...

9:22 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
So, on Saturday, I bought the Asus EeePC, as commented upon by John on his blog on Friday.

It is tiny. Slightly larger than a DVD case and weighing in at approximately 0.92kg, it is the baby of the computer family. So far I haven't done much more on it than check out some of it's features and do a little Facebook and other web surfing on an unsecured network in my area (yes, I realise that could be classified as stealing).

The two main drawbacks as I see them after two days of being the proud owner of Vladimir are:

1. There's no CD/DVD drive. I wasn't too concerned about that until I had songs that I wanted to play on the computer that I hadn't yet transferred across. Normally you just pop the CD in and wham bam thank you ma'am, they're there. Instead I had to transfer to my phone using another computer and then across to Vlad. Not a huge deal, but slightly more inconvenient;

2. It doesn't come with Microsoft Office, which means that I have to use either Microsoft Works or a new thing called Star Suite, which is pretending to be a combination of the two.

Probably the hardest thing to get used to though is the size of the tiny, tiny keyboard. It's not bad once you sit down and start typing properly, but I can't seem to get my usual speed (85wpm+) going, and to squeeze the keyboard in, they've halved the size of the semicolon and apostrophe buttons, meaning that whenever I go to type "I'm" or "It's" or anything else with an apostrophe, I hit enter by mistake. It makes me look particularly ridiculous when I'm on MSN.

But overall, I'm very pleased with my purchase. It is compact, lightweight and functional, and almost too cute to be real.

The opposite of love is not hate...

11:40 PM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
The opposite of love is indifference.

Love is the strongest positive emotion that you can have towards a person, object or concept. If you love something, then you feel so strongly about it that you can't imagine your life without it.

I don't think that hate is the opposite of this. There is an argument that hate is the strongest negative emotion that you can have towards a person, object or concept, therefore it is the opposite of love. But I don't think that makes it the opposite. Just because one is positive and one is negative doesn't make them opposites.

Take this example:

You have a fight with a friend. A big fight, which leaves you extremely upset with the possibility that you might not be friends again. Which hurts you more:

a) They rant and rave, telling people that they hate you and what a horrible person you are; or

b) They do nothing because they don't care.

I know that the moments when I've most felt like I hated someone it's because they have hurt me so badly that it feels like a part of my soul has been ripped out. The only way that someone could do that to me is if I cared enough about them to have that part of me in the first place. Can you hate someone that has a piece of you?

Maybe hate is loving someone so much that it hurts.

Why you should always be nice to nerds...

9:57 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Because one day, the might write the cutest song in the world for you.

(John mentioned this to me ages ago, but it wasn't until a new nerd friend quoted it to me that I remembered to look it up).

Never underestimate the power of physical touch...

7:51 PM Posted In , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I am not a touchy person.

It's no secret. In general, I don't like people touching me.

I think that not being a touchy person has led me to really appreciate hugs and physical touch when I receive it. I'm a talker - most of the time I would rather talk out my problems than just have someone hug me and tell me everything will be okay. In fact, often I think that hugging is the easy option - if you hug someone and tell them everything will be okay, then you don't have to listen to the problem. Often, the very last thing I want is someone to touch me when I'm doing it tough. Of course, what I want and what I need are often two separate things, but that's another story...

But sometimes, just sometimes, all I want is for someone to put their arms around me.
I had a revelation the other day. So many times I've been sitting there feeling just about as crap as I possibly can and my head is says 'I just want someone to love me'. I realised that what I'm really saying is 'I want someone to hug me'. I just want someone to put their arms around me and make me feel safe.

There's a magic in it, I think. Without having to say anything, the person doing the hugging is saying 'I love you, you're going to be okay, I'm here for you and you aren't alone'.

Sometimes I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I just want someone to hug me and love me for a moment, so that I can then go about doing whatever it is I need to do.

And I think that we underetimate how important it is. I think society expects that you get physical affection from your family when you're a child and maybe a young teenager. You may or may not get it from friends and boyfriends/and or girlfriends in your teens and up until you get married. And then you get married and your husband/wife meets all your needs in that department.

Well you know what - it's a load of crap. I'm twenty-five, single and although for the most part I can live without physical touch, I DO need that physical connection with someone else.

I'm sure there's plenty of studies out there that talk about how humans crave affection and can become depressed without it and blah blah blah.

But I don't need studies to prove it to me - it seems like an intrinsic part of human nature. So why is it that we deny it and expect people to go without it.

I see the problem as threefold.

Firstly - men don't touch other men. There is the hug rule - one arm hug with the slap on the back - either two or three, with the meanings being 'Not gay' or 'I'm not gay'.

Secondly - whilst women are, in general, more 'touchy feely' than men, even between women there can be an awkardness with touch. People don't know what is and isn't appropriate. There can also be a jealousy/bitchy thing between women where even when they know someone is upset, they don't go out of their way to comfort them.

Thirdly - everything is sexualised in society. You can't touch someone on the shoulder without it being sexual. If you hold someone's hand then you obviously want something more than just friendship. An embrace is the prelude to sex. This holds true for male-female, male-male and female-female relationships, particularly in today's sexually fluid socity.

And it's sad. It's sad that there are so few genuine and heartfelt expressions of comfort and affection today. It's sad that I can't go and put my arm around my male friend without someone interpreting it as me making a move. It's sad that people in general don't know whether or not it's appropriate to hug someone who is clearly upset.

I was on the bus on the way home yesterday and I was having a rough day. I actually had chest pain from anxiety and was really just struggling. I was praying and telling God that I just wanted to be loved (as per my above revelation). He said that I am loved, by him. I said that's not what I meant - that I wanted someone to LOVE me - sparking the realisation that I really do equate love with the physical expression of it. And then I pointed out that he couldn't do that - he couldn't come down and put his arms around me, and that that is a real flaw in his whole plan for loving the world.

He pointed out to me that that's why he put people in my life - to love me in ways that he can't because of the separation. Of course, that's much less convenient for me, because God knows when I'm upset and need love, but people are much less perceptive. So I spend a lot of time telling God that I only need whatever it is that he can provide me, and if physical touch isn't part of that, then I don't need it.

But I do.

And maybe I try not to let on. Maybe I want to be seen as tough and independent and aloof. But really, I want someone to look after me and love me and make me feel safe.

And maybe it's not a great thing that I equate love with the physical expression of it. But I think it's human and I think it's necessary and I think it's soul nourishing and life giving - not just to you, but to the people who are able to provide it to you.
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